Saudade
by R. Kaye
Summary: [soh-dah-duh] noun 1. a deep emotional state of melancholic longing for a person or thing that is absent. Human AU
1. Chapter 1

"Just because you miss someone doesn't mean you should go back to them. Sometimes you just have to keep missing them until you wake up one morning and realize that you don't anymore."

* * *

It wasn't unusual for Pearl to be reclusive, but Amethyst was starting to worry. It had been nearly three days since she had last seen Pearl. Her roommate often became engrossed in her work and would spend excessive amounts of time at her dance studio practicing. Amethyst decided to peek into Pearl's room after her umpteenth text and call went unanswered.

Absolutely pristine. Honestly, Amethyst wasn't sure if she'd have been able to tell if Pearl had come home at all. Pearl left no trail. The only real signs of her even living in their little apartment was her enormous collection of books adorning the bookshelves in the living room.

Amethyst decided to call her one last time. She dialed Pearl's number by heart, crossed her fingers, and prayed not to get voice mail.

 _ **Ring… Ring… Ring... Ring... Ring…** You've reached the voicemail box of _Pearl Lu _. Please leave a message after the tone. **Beep**._

"Hey, P, it's me again. Please call me when you get this. I'm super worried about you." Amethyst mashed the end call button harder than necessary. She was frustrated and worried. "I hope you're okay, P." She settled into their over stuffed armchair and opened her laptop. May as well get some work done, she decided. She worked as a freelance writer. Right now, she was writing articles about butterflies and bullies for a children's magazine. The work was driving her crazy. She wanted to be a real writer, but money was money. She researched and wrote for hours, pausing only to pet Pearl's wandering cat, Mimi, who was continuously trying to walk across her keyboard unless given attention.

It was well after midnight when Amethyst heard the front door open. She jolted up from where she had nested into the chair. Pearl came around the corner, ballet bag slung over her shoulder. Amethyst took a moment to look her over before speaking. Her normally crystal blue eyes were bloodshot from lack of sleep. Her short, nearly peach colored hair was covered by a slouchy, loose knit hat, which she only wore when she hadn't had the chance to wash her hair (this was the second time Amethyst had ever seen the hat). She wore her normal post-dance clothes, an oversized University of Michigan t-shirt and a pair of sweatpants, but Amethyst was ninety percent sure they were the same clothes Pearl had worn when she left. Pearl dropped her bag onto the floor and collapsed onto the couch diagonal to Amethyst.

Amethyst broke the silence after a few moments.

"A-Are you okay, Pearl?" she asked quietly. Pearl closed her eyes, breathing deeply.

"I'm fine," Pearl replied in a sharp tone. "I am just tired."

"Oh, okay, well, I was getting kinda worried about you, P," Amethyst admitted, closing her laptop. "You don't usually stay gone so long. Difficult choreography?" Pearl rolled over onto her side, back facing Amethyst, not answering. Amethyst sighed. Something was wrong.

"Mimi missed you," Amethyst said as the cat hopped onto the couch and rubbed against Pearl's back. She still didn't budge. "I missed you," she offered timidly.

Pearl's silence turned to gut wrenching sobs. Amethyst clambered off of her chair as fast as she could, taken aback by her friend's sudden crying fit. She gently moved Mimi to the floor and sat down next to Pearl.

"What's really the matter, Pearl? Please, I can't stand to see you like this. Let me help you," she said softly, placing her hand gingerly on Pearl's back.

"You can't help me, Amethyst. No one can," Pearl said once her sobs subsided. Amethyst laid down beside her on the couch, carefully wrapping her arms around her slender friend. Pearl's crying returned, but it was much more subdued.

"I can try if you'll let me," Amethyst replied. " Please. What's wrong?"

"I just miss her so much," Pearl whispered, almost too quietly. Amethyst groaned. I should have known, she thought. "And every time I see something that reminds me of her, I just, I don't know what to do! I can't just pretend that nothing happened. Pretending it never happened doesn't work for me like it does for her. Everything is too painful! I've got nowhere to turn. Maybe I should call her…"

"Pearl, look at me," Pearl turned over in her arms. Amethyst wiped a few of her tears off of her red cheeks and cupped her face gently. " Rose was awful to you, P. Maybe she didn't physically hurt you, or abuse you in any way, but she was horrible. She kept you dangling. She emotionally fucked you up. It's been a year and seeing something that reminds you of her sends you on a three day bender. You can not call her, P."

Just because you miss someone doesn't mean you should go back to them. Sometimes you just have to keep missing them until you wake up one morning and realize that you don't anymore."

"You must hate me," Pearl said quietly. Amethyst gave her a very sincere, very confused look. "I left for days without speaking to you just because something reminded me of Rose. You were worried about me and I ignored you. Even when I finally came home you were kind to me. I would hate me."

"I could never hate you in a million, billion, gajillion years, Pearl."

Pearl moved her head to rest on Amethyst's chest. Amethyst pulled her closer, hugging her tightly.

"What did I do to deserve you, Ame?" Pearl said, fingers tracing Amethyst's collarbone.

"Something pretty awful, I would guess," Amethyst said self-loathingly. Pearl hit her lightly.

"Don't say that about yourself," she said as Amethyst pressed her lips against her forehead. "You are fantastic."

"You're pretty great yourself, P. But, one thing."

"What's that?"

"Please answer your phone from now on, I was really worried."

"I promise."


	2. Chapter 2

"There's no such thing as perfect... You're beautiful as you are... Even with your imperfections, you can do anything."

* * *

As much as Amethyst liked to pretend that she was okay, she wasn't.

She knew she shouldn't care about what other people thought of her, but she did.

And it hurt her more deeply than she thought it should.

It began at age six. She was in kindergarten. It was a happy time, with play dough and crayons and naps. Then came Jasper. Jasper was her half-sister, and she came to live with them after her father decided she was "too much of a strain" on his new marriage. Amethyst was excited to have a sister. Jasper was less excited, to say the least.

Amethyst would try her best to make friends with Jasper for years. Jasper would try her best to cut Amethyst down.

"You're not even my real sister," she would say. "You're too short to be my sister. And too fat."

Amethyst would cry, at first. Her mother could do little to help her. When Jasper would be chastised or punished, the taunts would only get worse. Eventually, Amethyst stopped caring. Other people made fun of her, but she just let it roll off of her back, answering with a "I know you are, but what am I?" as a child, and a "fuck you, buddy," as a teenager.

Nothing, though, bothered her as much as that day.

"Well, maybe if that intolerable, ignorant clod could pay attention to more than what time we break for lunch, we could get more done! I can explain things to her all day, but I can't understand it for her! All she does is make everything harder for me! I want to be done with this so I don't have to look at her ever again!"

Amethyst swallowed all of the emotions that began to bubble up. Her project partner had gone into a meeting with their boss to update her on their progress. Amethyst knew she wasn't meant to hear any of what Peridot had said. She thought they were finally starting to be friends. She turned on her heel and walked quickly back to their makeshift workspace. She smoothed the wrinkled paper she had clenched in her hand and jotted a few notes down on it.

Peridot returned a few moments later.

"Sorry that took so long, Amethyst. Boss talked my ear off! So, did you get anywhere while I was gone?" she asked in a very friendly tone. It was almost enough to push Amethyst over the edge.

"Yeah, actually," she said, pushing the paper over to Peridot. "I finished it. Just needed to move a few decimals around and change the layout a bit."

"Wow," Peridot was speechless for a minute, looking intently over the sketch and the math scribbled off to the side. "This is amazing. I can't believe I didn't think of this."

"Yeah, well, see ya around," Amethyst said, gathering her personal things. "You mind handing that in? I have a meeting."

She didn't wait for an answer. She walked down the hall, dumped her stuff at her desk, and made a beeline for the stairwell. There, sitting between the fourth and fifth floors, she let herself break down, years of repressed feeling pouring out.

"I'm so fucking stupid," she said once her tears finally started to recede. "And ugly and fat and so… so… stupid!" She buried her face in her hands.

"I don't think you're stupid," Amethyst jumped when an arm wrapped around her. She looked over to find her boss sitting beside her. "Or ugly or fat, for that matter."

Amethyst quickly wiped her tears with her sleeves, trying, and failing, to pretend she hadn't been crying.

"I'm so sorry, Ms. Lu, I didn't mean for you," she began stammering.

"Shh, it's alright. I'm guessing you heard Peridot, correct?" Lu asked her. Amethyst nodded.

"And I know I shouldn't let it bother me, it's extremely juvenile," Amethyst said, feeling heat come to her cheeks in embarrassment. Her boss shook her head.

"No, not at all. Peridot was being extremely juvenile. Your work is some of the best I have ever seen, Amethyst. So what if you're a little exuberant? People around here can be so boring. It's refreshing to see someone who really enjoys their work and the people they work with," Lu replied, squeezing her gently. Amethyst blushed furiously.

"You are not stupid, or ugly, or fat, Amethyst. In fact, I think you're rather attractive, if I say so myself."

Am I dead? Amethyst thought, Or is my really hot boss actually hitting on me?

Amethyst turned to face her, taking in her boss's blushing face.

"I'm not perfect like Peridot," she said quietly. Her boss scoffed.

"There's no such thing as perfect. You are beautiful as you are, Amethyst. Even with your imperfections, you can do anything," Lu said, reaching her long fingers to brush the hair away from Amethyst's eyes. "And I much prefer you to Peridot."

Amethyst's cheeks were blood red and felt like fire. Her boss's lingering fingers on her face felt so, so… comforting. They felt so warm but seemed to cool the flames in her cheeks.

"T-thanks, Ms. Lu," Amethyst stuttered. Lu laughed.

"My mother is Ms. Lu. And my sister, I guess, but not me, please. I absolutely detest being a Lu. My name is just Pearl."

"Alright, Just Pearl," Amethyst chuckled. Pearl rolled her eyes.

"Ugh, you know what I meant," she said as she withdrew her hand from Amethyst's face and placed it in her lap. Amethyst felt a strong urge to grab it and lace her fingers with Pearl's. But she restrained herself.

"So, you have a sister? That must be nice," Amethyst offered, desperate to keep the conversation going. Pearl shrugged.

"It was, sometimes. But now we work together, and it's all a big mess," Pearl admitted a little sadly. Amethyst nodded.

"I understand. My sister's a bitch," she said. Pearl smiled. "She refused to even acknowledge that we were sisters until I was, like, fourteen. She's a bit older than me and always managed to make me feel awful for being around."

"I'm sorry," Pearl said. Amethyst shrugged. "My sister was never that bad. I'm older than her, but only by ten months. She always tried to one up me as children. Now, I'm her boss. I don't think she likes it."

Amethyst wracked her brains for a second. Who is her sister?

"But, that's just Peridot. She can never be happy."

"Holy shit, Peridot is your sister!?" Amethyst burst out, then remembered who she was talking to. "I'm… sorry for yelling."

Pearl smiled again.

"Yes, she is, and she's a pain in my ass. She seems to think I should give more of the 'important' jobs to her, so that she can advance more quickly and get to where I am. I keep telling her it's not that great. I never wanted to do this. It's our mother's company, and she more or less forced us into it after college."

"What do you want to do?" Amethyst asked. Pearl sighed.

"I wanted to be a dancer," she admitted softly.

"What concentration?"

"Ballet."

"You look like a ballerina."

"Ha, thanks."

"No, for real. You should go for it."

"Do you think?"

"Yeah, I do. You could be the most sought after ballerina on the east coast, then the country, and then," Amethyst paused for dramatic effect, "the whole world!"

This launched Pearl into a giggling fit. Amethyst soon joined her.

"We probably look like quite the pair, giggling like madmen in a stairwell," Pearl said after catching her breath. Amethyst nodded wordlessly. Pearl stood up and smoothed her skirt out, then offered a hand to Amethyst. Amethyst took it gratefully, letting Pearl pull her to her feet.

"Think about what I said, Ms. Reyes," Pearl said as they stepped back into the office. Amethyst nodded.

"I will, Ms. Lu. Consider my idea, as well, though," Pearl nodded at her, and Amethyst sat at her desk and watched Pearl as her heels clicked down the hallway to her office.

"Boss chew your ass?" her desk mate asked her. She shook her head.

"Nah, wanted to talk about a new project. God, I hate working with Peridot," she said. Her co worker laughed.

"I think everyone does. Well, congrats on the new project." Amethyst, who had been thinking about Pearl since sitting down, had completely forgotten that she was talking to someone.

"What?"

"The new project that Ms. Lu gave you?"

"Oh, yeah, thanks. She gave me some good advice. It'll be helpful."

They both went back to their respective work, but Amethyst could not stop thinking about her boss, absentmindedly tracing over where her fingers had touched her face.

"You are beautiful as you are."


	3. Chapter 3

"You either say what you feel and fuck it up or say nothing and let it fuck you up instead."

* * *

The last box was sitting in their new living room. Amethyst lay in the floor with her head in Pearl's lap, their friends sitting in various places, some on the floor, some perched on boxes.

They didn't have a couch yet.

"What time do you have to take the truck back?" Lapis asked from her reclined position on the coffee table.

"By ten tomorrow morning," Pearl answered.

"Do you still need me to follow you to the U-Haul place?" Peridot piped in.

"Yeah, if you don't mind," Pearl said. "Amethyst would do it, but, you know…"

"I don't. Why can't Amethyst do it?" Lapis asked. Amethyst groaned, covering her face with her hands.

"I can't drive," she mumbled through her fingers. Lapis perked up, sitting up and leaning closer to Amethyst.

"What was that?" she asked excitedly.

"I can't drive!" Amethyst said loudly, rolling over to bury her face in Pearl's lap. Pearl pet her head sympathetically. Lapis burst into a fit of laughter as she rolled off of the coffee table.

"You can't fuckin' drive? Oh my God!"

"What's everybody laughing about?" Everyone turned their heads to see Rose come through the door. She gracefully sat down next to Pearl and kissed her on the temple. "Everything is settled, babe."

Amethyst, who had flipped back over in just enough time to see Pearl blush, groaned.

"Amethyst can't drive!" Lapis all but yelled. Rose laughed and touched Amethyst's face.

"It's not that big of a deal, Amethyst," she said in her sing songy voice. Amethyst couldn't help but to feel a little better, and she hated it.

Rose was one of those people. Everyone loved her and she loved everyone. But she often was caught up in her own world, which caused her to hurt people inadvertently. Amethyst had seen her do it to Pearl many, many times.

" _What's wrong, P?"_ Amethyst had asked her several months ago. " _I thought you were going out with Rose tonight."_ Pearl shrugged and went back to reading her book through tear stained eyes.

" _Something came up and she cancelled."_

" _What kind of something? Is she sick?"_ A sigh.

" _No. A friend managed to get tickets to some rock concert but they only had two. And it's only in town for one night, and I don't really like loud music and crowds, so I really don't blame her."_

" _Isn't tonight your anniversary?"_

" _... Yeah…"_

Amethyst liked Rose a lot. She had a few issues with her, though. None of them were the fact she was dating Pearl, though.

Not at all.

"I'm pretty sure we were promised pizza," Peridot said suddenly. "Wasn't that the deal? We move your shit across town, you buy us pizza?" Pearl looked at her in mock disapproval.

"Oh, so you did it for pizza, not because you love your sister or anything."

"Yeah, pizza," Peridot said, and Lapis nodded in agreement.

"Pizza."

"You guys suck," Amethyst said as she sat up and pulled her hair into a messy ponytail. "Let's go. Someone drive, I'll buy."

* * *

"This pizza is so good," Peridot said. Lapis and Amethyst laughed.

"You say that about all pizza, Peri," Lapis said, lying down across her girlfriend's lap.

"That's because all pizza is so good," Peridot quipped and brought both of her elbows to rest on Lapis' stomach.

"Even pineapple?" Lapis asked, eyebrow raised.

"Even pineapple," Peridot agreed. Lapis scrunched her face up in disgust. Peridot hit her in the face with the slice of pizza.

"Gross, Peri!"

"Can you guys stop being so fucking cute with each other and help me put these bookshelves together?" Amethyst asked. Lapis groaned and rolled off of Peridot's lap.

"I guess," she said, rolling over to where Amethyst was sitting, trying desperately to figure out how the pieces fit together. "Where are the instructions?"

"Pearl bought these online for real cheap. The instructions they came with were in Chinese. Pearl said she could put them together." Amethyst uselessly hit the piece she was holding with the end of her screw driver.

"Where is Pearl?" Lapis asked. At some point, Rose and Pearl had disappeared.

"They went for a walk or something," Peridot said, picking up the instructions and looking at them intently. "You have to flip that piece in your hand over and then fit the pegs into the other piece."

"Since when do you read Chinese?" Lapis asked in disbelief. Peridot straighten her glasses.

"Since my father was born in Singapore," she flipped the instructions around "and the English instructions were on the folded in side."

They tried to follow the instructions, but the bookshelves resisted being built. After an hour, one of the three bookshelves were assembled, and they had all moved on the other tasks, like unpacking the kitchen.

After glancing at her phone and realizing how long Pearl and Rose had been gone, Amethyst broke into Peridot and Lapis' chatter.

"Peridot, can I ask you a question?" Amethyst asked. Peridot nodded, putting a few more pots into the cabinets. Amethyst leaned against the counter and took a deep breath. "Pearl and Rose have been dating for a while."

"That's not a question."

"Yeah, I know, here's the question: what do you think about Rose?"

"I think that she is nice. She makes Pearl happy. Sometimes she seems a little… maybe self-involved or insensitive, but I like her enough. It doesn't really concern me, though," Peridot rambled as she put more things into the cabinets. "Why do you ask?"

"I don't know her that well. Pearl's dated Rose since we met, but I didn't even meet her until we started looking for apartments. I guess what I really wanted to know is… does she always treat Pearl like on their anniversary?" Amethyst let the question drop before she could think to stop it.

Lapis sighed.

"Yeah, she kinda does. It's like she doesn't understand that relationships have to be two way. You can't just take and not give."

Amethyst nodded silently and finished putting her box away. The regular chatter started back up and soon Amethyst suggested they move back into the living room to try the bookshelves again.

"Why did the lizard cross the road?" Peridot asked, barely able to contain her giggling. Lapis groaned.

Amethyst took the bait.

"Why?"

"It was taped to the chicken's back!" Peridot doubled over in laughter. Amethyst chuckled at the sight of her.

"She tells it five times a week," Lapis deadpanned.

"We should probably head home soon, Ame," Peridot said, checking her watch as she wiped tears from her eyes. Amethyst frowned. "I've got work in the morning and Lazuli has dance class."

The three friends walked to the door and said their goodbyes.

"Sorry, Amethyst," Lapis said, putting on her jacket.

"It's okay, Lap. I know you got work, unlike me," she said jokingly. Lapis shook her head.

"I mean about Pearl and Rose," Lapis clarified. Amethyst frowned.

"What're you talkin' about?"

"I've seen how you look at her Ame. Tell her. You either say what you feel and fuck it up or say nothing and let it fuck you up instead."

"... Have a nice night, Lapis," Amethyst said, and quietly added, "I'll try."


End file.
